Now That My Cancer Has Returned....

I'm Learning to be silly.....

I make up silly songs and jokes. I use my time in silly ways. Doing cat and dog puzzles, doing really easy sudoku when hard or monster are more my speed. When I get a Sudoku puzzle (easy) done in less than three minutes I act like I've won a gold medal. My imaging and visualizing and daydreaming are silly. I have become quite amazed by my world.
I was not always silly central. I was responsible. I was efficient. I was productive. I was deadly serious about life... my life.

What is the difference? Silliness is much more responsible, efficient and productive... that's the difference. Being too serious is silly. I could do serious imaging about heavy matters, about people I might dislike, injustices that make me angry, how the world is going to the dogs, if it hasn't already. I know how to do serious thinking about great problems for which I have no solutions.

I use to do serious visualizing. I would imagine what I would do or say if someone did something nasty to me. I visualised the breakdown of my car( with Henry these visions usually came true!). I anticipated getting caught in a traffic jam or in the slow line at the bank. I spent a lot of time being serious. I see now that this was really silly!

If were silly... than we are very serious about being healthy. I found that when I really started laughing at the funny sitcoms on TV (Seinfeld, Frasier...) I would began to feel better.... even well. I had some doctors and nurses... serious medical people who told me that I was just being silly. What was silly was them.

I will tell you that being a little or a lot silly keeps me from thinking depressing thoughts. The sort of images that lower the number of healthy agents in the body. Prayer is the same way. If I'm praying for myself, others or for the world, even if the prayer is doing nothing else, it's using up my mind and energy so I can't see images or think thoughts that are negative. Thoughts that will make me depressed or sick. Some people think prayer is silly.. if that is so... well than I'm silly and silliness and prayer are good for me.

Attitude makes a difference. Silliness is the best attitude. You get well on silly.

Life is given to us as a joy. Little children know this... there is no business like the silly business! They look at the world in wonder and than just start to laugh and swing a little higher.

I wanted to be childish when I first heard that my cancer had returned. I was scared, hurt and and could not think beyond myself. Getting well is moving from childishness to child likeness. In truth my task as an adult... as a cancer patient I am responsible to myself to become more childlike... more perfect like a child.

It would be so so so silly of me not to be silly. No one gets well with out a little silly. It's never too late to be happy... have joy... and some silly.

Now that my cancer has returned, I'm learning to be a little more silly....