Thressa’s Kat House

Goodnight My Angel

2011-09-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

My thoughts this day (9/11) are to many to put into words or do justice to the thousands who died that day and the millions who will remember them this day and always. I had a conversation with a little girl this week who was born four years after this great tragedy. she was like a breath of fresh air. It was as if God was saying in the spring all things are made new and alive again. I will not forget their sacrifice but I will live and grow. My light will shine so all can see I was not diminished by this tragedy but like a Brisol Cone Pine have sprung anew, better for the fire. I love you my friends and I'm grateful you too are here to journey on with me. The words of this song come closes to my feeling this day.

Goodnight my angel time to close your eyes.

And save these questions for another day.

I think I know what you've been asking me.

I think you know what I've been trying to say.

I promised I would never leave you.

And you should always know.

Where ever you may go no matter where you are.

I never will be far away.

Goodnight my angel now its time to sleep.

And still so many things I want to say.

Remember all the songs you sang for me.

When we went sailing on an emerald bay.

And like a boat out on the ocean.

I’m rocking you to sleep.

The waters dark and deep.

Inside this ancient heart.

You'll always be a part of me.

Goodnight my angel now its time to dream.

And dream how wonderful you're life will be.

Some day your child may cry and if you sing this lullabye.

Then in your heart there will always be a part of me.

Someday we'll all be gone but lullabyes go on and on.

They never die thats how you and I will be.

2011-01-02T01:21:00.000-08:00

"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other." Audrey Hepburn

We are never alone. In our lives good times and tough times come to us all. In the good times we may feel that we have friends a plenty. But in the tough times we quickly realize we are not alone. Our friends and family are here, too.

Hope can open doors of change. We must surround ourselves with people who share our hopes.
Faith moves mountains so we must be sure to surround ourselves with people who believe you can and that you will prevail.
Love can do anything, so we must surround ourselves with those who love us and care for us.
We must believe in each other. We can do this, we must do this. In this way we make each other enormously strong.
The truth is that there is no problem so big that together we cannot solve it.
We are always bigger than anything that can ever happen to us.

"Someday all you'll have to light the way will be a single ray of hope... and that will be enough."

Kobi Yamada

2010-10-03T13:57:00.000-07:00

Our daily lives are proof of our inherent strength. As women we move through uncharted territory. We have the care of others whom we nurture emotionally and physically while exploring our own physical and spiritual dimensions. On the outside we are often strong for others, but inside feel weak and fearful as we attempt to set realistic limits that respect us as individuals. We must realize that as human being we have limitations. If we do not honor them they can overwhelm us until we become overextended, resentful and in some cases ill.
Sometimes the most courage’s thing we can do isjust to say, “I CAN’T DO IT ALL FOR EVERYONE”.
Even when all around us tell us different it is important to remember that we can be strong enough to say NO. That is when we come to know in our hearts that it is okay to honor ourselves by having limits.
It is a somewhat hard lesson to learn and put into action. It will be one of the most difficult things as women to learn. Have the courage to acknowledge your strength and set limits that will grow and develop until we no longer have limits but only possibilities.

After Cancer, Gratitude

2010-05-05T04:20:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude lately, trying to put my finger on what exactly I’m grateful for in the 6 year since I was first diagnosed with caesuras tumors and had my first surgery to remove them. When you have cancer, when you’re being cut open and radiated and who knows what else, it can take a great effort to be thankful for the gift of the one life that we have been blessed with. Believe me, I know.
And sometimes, in the amnesia of sickness, we forget to be grateful. But if we let our cancers consume our spirits in addition to our bodies, then we risk forgetting who we truly are, of contracting a kind of Alzheimer’s of the soul.
Not that I felt grateful each moment of each day. I’m grateful that what ever anger I felt after my diagnosis pasted quickly. I still got frustrated sometimes by the physical challenges I faced in the wake of cancer.
Gratitude is an antidote to the dark voice of illness that whispers to us, that insists that all we have become is our disease. Living in the shadow of cancer has granted me a kind of high-definition gratitude. I’ve found that when you’re grateful, the world turns from funereal gray to incandescent Technicolor.
There are, of course, the obvious things to be thankful for. The love and care of my family and friends; the concern and support of colleagues and community; the skill and insight of the doctors and all the other medical staff who have brought me to this very moment:
The nurses who spooned ice chips into my cotton mouth after surgery; chemotherapy and radiation.
The nurse therapists and aids who blasted Flogging Molly and Jars of Clay for me when I had chemotherapy. The blood technicians who made a steel needle feel like cold silk; the hospital aides who took a couple of minutes to talk to me about movies, books and mortality when I was in so much pain I couldn’t find rest.
These small moments of gratitude are the most poignant to me because they indicate that I’m still paying close attention to the life I’m living, that I didn’t succumbed to numbing obliviousness.

These days I’m grateful for:
The once a month Friday morning breakfasts with my cancer survivor group.
Those nights when I sleep through, and don’t have to get up and do the zombie shuffle to the bathroom.
When just the right song vaults and shimmers from my favorite radio station.
The pollen-encrusted bumblebees patrolling the blue-purple cat mint and bleeding heart that has been with me since my first diagnoses.
An iced raspberry lemonade.
The healing sound of my boys. Drinking from their water bowl.
The latest book in the JD Robb series or a new murder mystery from Mary Higgins Clark.
A chicken salad croissant with sliced deli pickles.
For my visits to the hair salon every six weeks for a restyle.
And gratitude, finally, for the you. Thank you for friendship for just being “normal” so I could feel “normal” too.

I'M STILL HERE . . . . .

2010-05-02T03:42:00.000-07:00

August of 2004 started me on a journey of scary discovery, surgery, chemotherapy, eighteen months of remission, return to scary discovery, surgery, chemotherapy and remission once again. Over a month of no cancer and good health returning. I never expected to become a cancer patient again. The scare in my twenties was more than enough. I didn’t expect to become the friend, surrogate daughter, mother, aunt to other cancer fighters. But that has become part of my journey these last six years.
It all started with my own cancer diagnosis by Dr. Hurst and Michaels at a routine “lady exam”. I laugh now but I was sad to think that all my “lady” problems might just be the beginning of menopause . Later after the cancer was confirmed I cried just wishing I could go back and have my share of “menopause.
I should have expected the cancer as there were and are many women in my family tree who have also taken this journey. I will say in my defense that most of these women were in their late”50” when they were diagnosed.
I thought at the time in 2004 no worries I have nothing to be concerned about, Right? I had had no symptoms that cancer had struck again. As if cancer ever really gives you a real sign!

“ HEY STUPID HAD SO MUCH FUN LAST TIME SAVED UP MY MONEY FOR A RETURN PRAFORMAMCE! IF IT ALL WORKS OUT I’LL JUST BE HERE FOR A LIMITED ENGAGMENT!!!

I was so arrogant in my thoughts until a few days later sitting in the office of a oncologist that Dr. Michaels had recommended I heard those words “YOU’VE GOT IT!”?
Those careless word from a doctor I would see only once more throw me into a spin. My life was thrown upside down. The change was so complete that every thought I had from that moment began with, “NOW THAT I HAVE CANCER”.
I started a journal that was titled “CANCER SUCKS”. It became my “NOW THAT I HAVE CANCER I’M GRATIFUL FOR". . . journal. Some of those entries made there way to my blog and e-mails.
As I wrote in that first of many journals I was not sure of my destination. I met Dr. Sherrie Smith and through her Dr. R J Udalle. They became my lighthouse, my beacon in this storm.
Those words written in a journal have become more than simple recordings of my own expedition. They have become the thoughts of others who have shares this journey of cancer with me.
I think of these word as not my own alone. These journals have become for me a common journal for all who must make this journey.
It became a way for me to say “you all have to walk that lonely valley by yourself”. I also realized that this was a paradox for we all need companionship for this journey.
I am on a journey , it is a trip of individual steps. I have learned to live in the moment while casting my thoughts and dreams to the future. Somedays only the moments could be visualized. Often it seemed minute to minute.
And so my life for a time became divided into categories that only I or maybe another cancer patient could understand. For a time there was no beginning or end. There was just the journey inch by inch, mile by mile, day by day… and so on.
The changes this journey have brought to my life where and are huge and at times overwhelming.
These changes brought great potential for meaning and enlightenment. Like the small changes in the egg as the chick peeks its way free of the shell.
It was on my birthday they cut the first of many tumors from my body. It was on another special day when I wrote my first entries in the “NOW THAT I HAVE CANCER I’M GRATIFUL FOR” journal. I read all those words often. I have not changed a word of them. I have not made myself look more heroic or sympathetic. I have left them as they were.
When ever I would or do think what have I done, or what did I do to cause this I read those words. Words written when I was sick and tired from chemo and just sick of being tired.
They have helped me to not yield to the temptations of self pity. They have time and time again lifted my spirit. In their pages I have found only inspiration to continue my journey. Those page have been the salvation for a scared and lonely child, girl, woman…. The person I have become.
My story has not ended an those journals still have empty pages to fill.

NOW THAT MY CANCER IS GONE . . .

The story continues. . . .

My Puppy Love!

2010-03-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

There is no Kiss Like A Kiss From You!

Love you KC Ballard

2010-02-02T02:19:00.000-08:00

Accepting the Beauty of Our Imperfections . . . .

If I indulge in the “comparison crunch,” the victim is usually my self-esteem. There will always be someone smarter, thinner, more creative, prettier, or younger than me.

Like me, like you, like all of us we’re filled with holes like Swiss cheese, but our inadequacies are in different places.

I have adopted as my motto the disclaimer often found on clothing made of cotton or raw silk.

“This garment is made of 100 percent natural fibers.

Any irregularity or variation is not to be considered defective.

Imperfections enhance the beauty of the fabric.”

What a great way to look at ourselves! Imperfections only enhance our beauty. It is not that I don’t want change, grow, or do my best, but by celebrating that I’m made of “100 percent natural fibers,” I’m creating a climate of acceptance in which transformation can, and will take place.

I close my eyes and imagine myself as a unique and priceless tapestry created entirely from natural materials. I admire my tapestry exactly as it is now. That wise part of my subconscious has given me a rich symbol to explore.

In my gratitude journal I write down my feelings and thoughts about this beautiful tapestry that is me. I give thanks for its uniqueness, and appreciate it as it is.

I accept myself just as I am now.

I give thanks for myself and my many imperfections.

I give myself permission

to transform and beautify my personal tapestry.

2010-01-26T17:58:00.000-08:00

How many times do we congratulate ourselves. How many more times do we criticize ourselves? Congratulating ourselves is energizing; criticizing is debilitating.
Often at the end of the year we look back and laminate that we haven’t accomplished anything. From the perspective of others we have done amazing things in wonderful and courageous ways.
If we look back on our year with a critical eye and give ourselves a gold star for each of our accomplishment we will soon be amazed at how much we have accomplished. Our attitude of self-criticism will change to one of self-congratulating. We will laugh more, feel excited, energized, and empowered.
We need to be a good friend to ourselves. We need to have the courage to stop the criticism that cripples us and learn instead to compliment and congratulate ourselves. We can make it a habit by doing it day after day until we are empowered to become our better selves.

I congratulate myself for the good things

I do, say, and think.

I congratulate myself on the person I am,

And the person I am becoming.

I deserve gold stars . . . . So do you.

Tending Our Inner Garden

2010-01-23T02:35:00.000-08:00

Gardening is a soul-feeding activity for us. We nurture and care for our flowers, vegetables and trees by watering, weeding, and feeding them.

Many of us even talk to them.

Many studies have been done to demonstrate how plants react to our voices.

When spoken to in a soft and soothing voice, the energy around the plant expands and brightens. The plant will even lean towards the voice.

When spoken to in a harsh voice or approached in a threatening way the energy field around it will shrink, the color of the plant will change and lean away from the perceived threat.

What kind of Gardner are we to our inner gardens? Do we cultivate kindly? Prune with patience? Encourage and appreciate our flowering? There is no other flower like us. We are unique and beautiful, worthy of the finest care. Our compassionate inner self allows us to bloom more readily and more exquisitely.

By allowing the image of a flower to come into our minds we make it part of us that is thirsting for appreciation and care. See yourself being watered from a beautiful pitcher. Imagine your flower lifting its head to accept the refreshing sprinkles. Feel its to your roots. Be thankful for as you absorb the sustaining and empowering water. Soak in the sensation of being nurtured and encouraged to grow.

I compassionately tend my inner garden.

I gently and courageously prune

Limiting beliefs and actions from my life.

I appreciate the unique beauty

I bring into my world.

2010-01-17T02:38:00.000-08:00

Expressing gratitude is transformative, just as transformative as expressing complaint.

Imagine an experiment involving two friends.

One is asked to spend ten minutes each morning and evening expressing gratitude (there is always something to be grateful for), while the other is asked to spend the same amount of time practicing complaining (there is, after all, always something to complain about). One of the subjects is saying things like, "I hate my job. I can't stand this apartment. Why can't I make enough money? My spouse doesn't get along with me. That dog next door never stops barking and I just can't stand this neighborhood." The other is saying things like, "I'm really grateful for the opportunity to work; there are so many

people these days who can't even find a job. And I'm sure grateful for my health. What a gorgeous day; I really like this fall breeze."

These two friends do this experiment for a year.

At the end of that year the friend practicing complaining will have deeply reaffirmed all her negative "stuff" rather than having let it go, while the one practicing gratitude will be a very grateful person. . . Expressing gratitude can, indeed, change our way of seeing ourselves and the world."

Seven Tenets for Refining Gratitude

1. Gratitude is independent of one's life circumstances.

2. Gratitude is a function of attention.

3. Entitlement makes gratitude impossible.

4. When we continue to give gratitude on a regular basis, we recive it back ten fold.

5. Our deepest sense of gratitude comes through hope and faith.

6. Gratitude can be cultivated through sincere self-reflection; and

7. The expression of gratitude (through words and deeds) has the affect of heightening our personal experience of gratitude.

2010-01-16T17:51:00.000-08:00

I will not die an unlived life.

I will not live in fear

of falling or catching fire.

I choose to inhabit my days,

to allow my living to open me,

to make me less afraid,

more accessible;

to loosen my heart

until it becomes a wing,

a torch, a promise.

I choose to risk my significance,

to live so that which came to me as seed

goes to the next as blossom,

and that which came to me as blossom,

goes on as fruit.

The Soil In Which Virtues Grow. . .

2010-01-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

Gratitude is the soil out of which other great virtues grow.

Cicero said: "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others."

Gratitude is a journey of accepting and appropriating the giftedness of life. Gratitude is the journey of discovery of meaning and purpose within all creation from the subatomic to the ever expanding universe of general relativity.

Gratitude is a life intentionally dedicated to the service of others. Gratitude has become my friend and mentor. I give thanks for my life as an opportunity to give serve to my family, friends and others I meet on this journey.

Pastor Rinker, a seventeenth-century German minister, wrote this prayer:

“Now thank we all our God With hearts, and hands, and voices,

Who wondrous things hath done, In whom His world rejoices;

Who, from our mother's arms, Hath blessed us on our way

With countless gifts of love, And still is ours today

O may this bounteous God Through all our life be near us,

With ever-joyful hearts and blessed peace to cheer us,

And keep us in His grace, And guide us when perplexed,

And free us from all ills In this world and the next!

And praise and thanks to God the Father now be given, The Son,

and Him who reigns with them in highest heaven -

The one, eternal God, Whom earth and heaven adore;

For thus it was, is now, And shall be evermore.”

Gratitude is the experience of unconditional love and the hope and assurance that beyond death is life. Surely this is the greatest reason of all to be grateful.

Cultivating My Attitude of Gratitude!

2010-01-09T04:07:00.000-08:00

Why should I show gratitude? Is it just the right thing to do, or does it have some other inherent value? Showing honest strength takes energy and thought. Having an attitude of gratitude requires the conscious effort of being thankful.

When I express thankfulness, it not only impacts the person I am thankful to, but it also has benefits for me the giver of thanks. As I recognize the blessings in my life and act upon them my awareness increases and appreciation. Sharing my gratitude improves my quality of life because it can only result in positive emotions. Appreciating what I have also makes my life more valuable and meaningful.

I have learned to Be Grateful to those who light the flame that is the heart of me. There are times in my life when my own personal light has dimed or even gone out, only to be rekindled by the spark from another person. We each of us have great cause to celebrate with deep gratitude those who have lighted the flame within us.

AS I look around this place I call my life I see that I have hit a few rough spot now and again. Some of us seem to survive the avalanches better than others. More often than not other people have been sent to rekindle my faith and keep me from despair. These are the people in my life who deserve gratitude for supporting me when I needed it most.

Each day I’m given a new chance to make a difference in the world. Until I’m gone there will always be hope of finding happiness, peace and good health. I truly believe that if the only prayer I ever say in the whole of my life is “thank you” and I’m “grateful” my life would have been sufficient.

By maintaining an attitude of gratitude with each new day, I am developing the habit of appreciating what I have instead of dwelling on what I don’t have. I have more peace and joy because of this positive outlook. I also handle challenges differently because I now begin with a more positive mindset.

I’ve come to realize that saying “thank you” isn’t so hard to do. Having a spirit of gratitude has also become almost second nature to me, almost!

Acting on thoughts of gratefulness is a challenge some days. I realized recently that as I show my gratitude for others more openly I’ve stopped taking them for granted. I’ve stopped make assumptions about how my friends should treat me or others or what they should or should not do for me.
Sometimes I think we get so focused on our “rights” that we forget to be gracious and appreciative of what we really do have. When I show gratitude, I become more keenly aware of and appreciate small everyday experiences. For example, I use to be quick to complain when traffic made it hard to get to work or my doctors appointments on time. However, I now appreciate days when the lights seem to all work in my favor. Frustration comes from unmet expectations, but gratitude results in not having unrealistic expectations and truly finding the joy in whatever comes your way. Showing gratitude has attracted others to me and has improved my overall attitude.
I believe now more than ever before that as we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

I am once again this year keeping a “Gratitude” journal where I will simply list those people and things that I am grateful for in my life each day of the coming year. This last year with the return of my cancer I started carrying it in my purse to make notes even when I was not at home. Sometimes when I would think of a person I’d like to give thanks for, I would make a note of it, including a nice way to express my gratitude. If I didn’t write it down, it would soon be forget the thoughtful acts of kindness done for and to me and than it would be as if they had never happen. This last week I took time to review my past year the last of a decade. . . I’ve been blessed. It’s easy to feel gratitude when you see your life in written words.

My Resolution for the year. . .

Cultivate My Attitude of Gratitude!

. . . I Am a Butterfly. . . . I Am Free. . . .

2010-01-04T02:12:00.000-08:00

Because butterflies are deeply symbolic of my struggles to grow into my unique wisdom and beauty. They have always brought smiles to my face. Like the swans which also grow in beauty and grace, butterflies are not very appealing in their immature larva stage. But following a deep inner knowing the caterpillar goes into seclusion to allow its destiny to unfold. Protecting itself from all outside distraction in darkness and isolation in its cocoon. In all due time as promised by its inner wisdom the caterpillar emerges as a winged creature and spends the rest of its life spreading beauty and joy as it gently flies from flower to flower. A symbol of hope and transformation.

As I move through the chaos, confusion and challenges of everyday life I remember that I have a winged and wonderful self within me, waiting to emerge from the darkness of cancer. Like those beautiful butterflies I need only to go into the stillness and solitude. . . to look within. . . to find my wise inner-self waiting to transform.

I know that I must be gentle and patient as I transform myself. I must have commitment and discipline as my transformation takes place. Each day I need to give myself a few quiet moments to just cocoon. I have the courage to have faith that I will emerge from my cocoon with spectacular fireworks.

It takes a while for our minds to become quiet enough for us to hear the fluttering of our inner wings.

I will trust my inner butterfly. . .

I will take a few quiet minutes each day to just tune into me. . .

As each day passes I am more able to hear the quiet whispers of my inner wings. . .

The Courage to Be Me

2009-12-10T22:58:00.000-08:00

In the six years since I was first diagnosed with cancer, had my first remission and than the return of that cancer my faith and courage has been underscored countless times. I have had the privilege of walking through this journey with women who are healing or have healed from excruciating losses and health challenges as well as those struggling through dark nights of the soul. These same women have walked with me as I grappled with similar experiences. Together, holding hands as we bared our hearts and souls to one another. Our journey has taken us through the fires of hell to the mountaintops of light and joy.

No matter what tribulation or negotiation I have had to navigate through my medical procedures I have felt their love, their compassion for me.
No matter the darkness on disillusionment, despair, depression these sisters, my personal heroes have helped me to regain and keep my equilibrium in this ongoing fight with cancer.
Through my struggles I have gained valuable insights and deeper compassion for them and others who are or have been part of my ever increasingly growing orbit.
I feel sometimes that I am the float on the Fisherman’s line, that even when I am seared by sorrow and shrouded in darkness That eventually I bob to the surface, bringing with me valuable insights and ever increasing compassion for myself and others.
Each time I bounce back (sometimes it’s a low, slow bounce) from one more challenge, I become more deeply aware of how inherently courage’s and wonderful these wise women in my life are.
They each seem to be physically, mentally or spiritually nudging some inner part of me saying, “Wake up! Life is a much richer and beautiful place! You can be and feel so much more.”
As a woman of courage I must let daffodils bloom in my heart, have the wisdom to absorb the joy of everyday miracles that surround me. I must find the ability to create a place where love, joy and laughter abound.
And most of all when my friends and loved one shower me with compassion, encouragement and support. . . I must not struggle I just need to bath in its warm glow.

I Am Strong and Capable.

I Can Do What Ever I Set My Mind to Do.

I Am Filled With Strength and Confidence.

Who Am I . . .Where Does My Path Lead . . . .

2009-11-21T03:11:00.000-08:00

I am from sharp yellow #2 pencils, corduroy jumpers made from McCall patterns, wool knitted mittens wet with melting snow and stacks and stacks of books to read every week.
I am from summer at the pool, pony tails, roller skates, Schwinn bicycles, and hand-me-down blue jeans.

I am from watching drive-in movies from the back of a station wagon, waffle ball tournaments in the backyard, and perfect attendance in grade school.

I am from girls camp and summer boyfriends and long car trips to the Black Hills, Utah, Texas, Montana, and Minnesota.

I am from the heart of the west, flyover country, a red state with a redder governor. The pledge of allegiance, `you are my sunshine’ and personal prayer every morning.

I am from piano lessons and band concerts and running through the sprinkler in the backyards of neighbors.

I am from hand-cranked, homemade vanilla ice cream, hot dogs and hamburgers on a charcoal grill.

I am from slumber parties and football games and pep rallies and track and field days.I am from petunias planted under bay windows with dew drops clinging to their petals every morning, long clover chains, blowing dandelion seeds to earn a wish, chasing fireflies on summer nights and putting them in a jar so they’d light up my room at bedtime.

I am from a prayer before dinner at six, served by hands that smelled like Jergens lotion.

I am from adult conversations about war and religion and neighbors and bills and politics and dreams and books and work.

I am from warm, honey buttered scones, pot roast after church on Sunday, chili, fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes and gravy, meat loaf, and apple pie.

I am from tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches, green beans with real bacon, tuna and noodle casserole, and spaghetti and meatballs.

I am from telling the truth even when it hurt.

I am from two brunette, both introverted and an extroverted making me something in between.I am from the careful one and the risk taker.

I am from advice like `duck and cover’ and `look both ways’ and `wash your hands’ and `pretty is as pretty does’ and `study hard’ and `work hard’ and `don’t forget to say your prayers tonight.’

I am from God. Protected by angels. And now I know I’m led by His Spirit.From the heart of it all…a place that’s good to be from.

I am from generations who grew their own food, made their own clothes, built their own homes .

I am from the ones I love still living. From a family I was born into, to a family I constructed.

I am from boxes and boxes of photographs, the names and the nameless, of generations past and present that alternately thrill me and haunt me.

I am from other people’s dreams I never shared to living my own.

I am from small successes, big failures, and multitudes of experiences between those two extremes.

I am from guilt that never quite disappears to a hope that no one can steal.

Now That My Cancer Has Returned . . . .

2009-11-19T14:13:00.000-08:00

. . . You can't take the pain away.

One of the hardest things about being the mother, father sister, friend, aunt, or cousin of a cancer patient is being unable to take their pain away. There is no kissing of boo-boos with cancer.
As I write this blog entry I'm recovering from minor wrist surgery. That will include two weeks of PT. The very cute guy (snack and a half!) in the PT clinic has a mean streak that his long brunette hair and beautiful blue eyes doesn't hide once he has gotten hold of my arm! They like to call PT physical therapy but I know it is really physical torture! I'm sure that if I ran into my torturer at the mall or a bookstore he would not recognize me because I won't have that twisted grimace of pain on my face. It's the only way he has ever seen my face.

Today as the my PT was making my wrist go places it did not want to go. I had to wonder why God had not come up with a better way to let me know when something is wrong with my body, a better way or method than pain, like a color change or a really special ring tone.

There are times where there are actual color changes in my body. If I turn blue or yellow, I know something is wrong. There are sounds, too, Like ringing in my ears or a rumble in my bowels.

But for the most part my body has stuck with the tried and true method . . . Pain.

This is my bodies method of warning and there is a reason for it. With pain you have to take notice, you have to pay attention to it. You can for the most part ignore the color yellow or a hissing or a buzzing until it is to late. Pain has the advantage of making you stop RIGHT now. When my car makes a funny noise i don't stop I just drive on. I don't think I would drive on if my car gave me a whack in the nose instead!!

The thought of a better way got me to thinking . . .

Why not a better way of sharing pain? Most of us would gladly take on the pain of a loved one. We want to, but we can't.

On TV I see veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan whose bodies are far more worse than my wrist. These men and women must do much harder PT rehab than I do.

I would be more than willing to share their pain, but I can't. This body of mine is the only one I have. It is the only one I can do PT for.

I know that you want to share the pain that I and other cancer patients must carry for a time or even to death. But just like me you can't. Each of us has only one body and through a plan that we may not totally understand pain is not transferable. I recall when a friend of mine was killed in a motorcycle accident at the young age of twenty-seven. His grandmother was a close personal friend of mine. While visiting with here shortly after the accident she said " it makes no difference how old your child(grand) is or how old you are when your child dies it's just plain wrong." She was right than and her words are still true today.

We can share through prayer, through presence, through encouragement, but not in the body itself. We can not live without one another, but there are also points beyond which we cannot go.

This is one of life's strange paradoxes. We must have one another to create life and to give it meaning and yet we are also alone in this life.

Now that my cancer has returned there is once again no way to kiss the Boo-Boo and take my pain away.

Of course, kissing my Boo-Boo was never really intended to take away my pain . . . . . . . . . .

It takes away my loneliness.

Now that my cancer has returned, My loved ones can't trade places with me to take the pain away, but they can kiss the Boo-Boo and take the loneliness away. . . .

Now That My Cancer Has Returned. . . .

2009-11-02T17:16:00.000-08:00

I'm Committed. . . . there are probably friends of mine who think I ought to be "committed." Like in an institution, but that's not what I mean.

Support, control, challenge and commitment, the four necessities for recovery. Commitment to self-growth and self-wellness and commitment to something beyond. . . some greater growth and greater wellness as well.

Commitment means action, a plan, doing something to get results. You can be in favor of something but not committed to it. Like democracy. I can say I'm all for democracy but If I don't vote than I'm not really committed to it. I might think it's a good idea to help the hungry, but until I do something. . . give money, volunteer at a food or homeless shelter kitchen or lobby my congressman, than I'm not really committed to easing the pain of hunger.

To resist the reemergence of my cancer I have to take action against it. It has to be my action, not someone else's. I know that chemotherapy and surgery and my other drug therapies are my commitment to action. These are my decisions to make. In the actual doing however it is the action of others. . . researchers, pharmacists, nurses and physicians. If I stop at only cooperating with or accepting actions. I have not really made the commitment to fighting cancer.

Every day I have committed to sweeping cancer cells from my body. I have a virtual broom, it is strait, red with stiff, strong bristles. An as I sweep the circle of my cancer gets smaller, smaller, smaller, smaller and smaller until it has been swept totally away. This is just like the songs I sing that help me to visualize my cancer just being washed away! By the time I am done singing and sweeping all my cancer cells will be gone! This visualization is something I can only do for myself.

I have committed myself to taking action to heal myself that is available to only myself. Visualization, meditation, and learning all I can about my disease and its treatment I will have better control and commitment to sweeping away my cancer. By sending the right message to my body and soul I have committed to healing myself.

The more I can do for myself the greater my own sense of commitment, and the better I Begin to feel about myself. This in turn increases the peace and reduces the stress in my body and gives the healing agents in my body room to work.

The best way I have found to relive my stress is through prayer and faith. These two action provide me with control of body and soul. Faith has giving me a control that I did not know I had and has made my commitment to action a reality. In turn by doing these things my spiritual health has filled all of the empty spaces cancer is trying to control. I am now in more control!

Commitment is determination and action stuck together, like peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It is seeing the goal and kicking the ball toward it.

Getting well takes commitment, which isn't easy. It surely is rewarding, though!

Now That My Cancer Has Returned, I'm Committed.

Now That My Cancer Has Returned. . . .

2009-09-22T22:54:00.000-07:00

I sing . . . . I always enjoyed singing, but now I sing all the time. It's almost impossible to sing a full-throated note and be tied up by fear at the same time.

I sing all sorts of songs from hymns, ballads, pop, blues, rock, folk and some opera (look out Americas got Talent) . . . . anything that comes to mind. I even make up crazy songs as I go along. Sometimes the words make sense and sometimes not. Sometimes they rhyme, other times not. Some have familiar tunes, but most I make up as I go along!

After one of my first surgeries I could not sing. The muscles in my abdomen where spending all their energy just trying to help me breath. My diaphragm had little or no power. It was all I could do to get word out of my mouth.

Well I decided that if that where all I could do, that's what I would do! It is better to sing a small tiny song than no song at all!

Like most doors that close this one caused another to open. since I could not than and even now sing all that well, I began to compose. All though compose might not be the right word to use, it was more like I started to "adjust" songs.

I like to sing these "adjusted" song while I'm in the shower. That has always been the safest place. As I wash my hair, I sing, "Gonna wash that cancer right out of myself... and send it on its way." I adjusted the spiritual "Oh,Freedom." I sing, "No more cancer. No more cancer. No more cancer inside of me. And before I'll be a slave, I'll put cancer in its grave, and go home to my Lord, and be free." To the tune of " If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands" I sing I'm glad I'm a little cake of soap. Than repeating, I'll slippie and I'll slidie all over my hidie and I'll wash the cancer off with my soap!!

OK, its all right to go ahead and say it. . . . these songs are pretty bad! But as they are just for my hearing they work.

Singing dose not automatically wash the cancer from this body of mine. Although it might help, who knows? I do know that it helps to take away my fear.

You just can't sing and be afraid at the same time. That's why we sing in the dark. It is also very difficult to sing and awfulize at the same time. Awfulizing (I made this word up. . . I think?) is the process of imagining all the awful things that might happen to us. We spend more time at it than we realize. The less awfulizing we do, the more likely we are to get well. The immune system doesn't like awfulizing. My immune system does like singing. Even mine!

Singing is as natural as loving. They are very closely related. . . . two limbs of the same tree trunks, one root system. Together they spread out a canopy of shade.

Both those limbs get weather-beaten, however. They are besieged by frost, drought, parasites and blight. It's a wonder they survive at all, and in some people they do not. But their tree is rooted deep in the soil of the Spirit.

With all these blights and plagues attacking (cancer!) them, though, what was natural becomes unnatural. How many of us refuse to sing, claim they can't sing, give all sorts of excuses - from illness to shyness - why they must not sing? We do the same with loving. We're afraid we'll be hurt. We may have already been hurt. We're afraid we'll be rejected or just look silly.

I suspect we can learn a lot about how we love by how we sing.

My search for healing and wholeness include singing. I don't have to go on stage. I don't have to use a recognizable tune or sing on key. Neither do you! Just "croak" out whatever words you can remember or that just come to you. Sing your prayers (I do, it makes for interesting looks from the cats) and sing away your fears. Do it in your bathroom with the water running.

Sing along with Nickel Creek or Gerard Butler or Emmylou Harris or even Indigo Girls.

Singing leaves no room for fear. Even if singing does not cure you or me it will help to heal our souls. This is after all the goal of our lives. . . . not just to live a long time but to live well.

Now That My Cancer Has Returned I Sing... try it, "Happy Days Are Here Again. The Cancer's Gone Away Again!"

Now That My Cancer Has Returned . . . .

2009-09-14T22:46:00.000-07:00

. . . I'm learning to see myself through the eyes of love .

Those who love me have much better eyes than mine. The eyes of those who love us are always the best. Unlike the old saying love is not blind at all. Love see with the eyes of God, not the eyes of the world. Love has remarkable clarity of vision, the scope of a eagle in flight, free from all those debris of reality.

There where things about me, before cancer that I could not love. There must have been a part of me that need the cancer so it could be cut out and through away. I don't quite understand these feelings, but somehow I feel it is true. It's like when you set the alarm to go off at six in the morning and you wake up just before the alarm goes off, even though I usually snooze steadily on till seven. The body just knows.

You may not feel this way at all. I have a cancer friend who has often said to me " I'm blameless. I didn't do anything at all to cause this". I believe her. She knows herself. I know myself, too.

I look at me with the eyes of reality, and what do I see? A middle aged woman who is once again losing her hair. Those bright Hazel green eyes are more often than not bloodshot. They peek out through swollen lids. The veins beneath my skin have taken on the look of jagged and jaded lightning flashes. My lips are sometimes swollen, puffy and pale. That's the view through the eyes of reality.

Than there are the eyes of love. My dearest friend says to me, " when I look at you I see the love of friendship, sisterhood that dew me to you all those years ago". She tells me to remember what good times we have had when we would hike to a quite pinnacle and sit or lay on our backs and watch the night sky. We would tell each other what best friends we were and would always be.

And now you say to me hurry back. . . we miss you . . . I miss the view through your eyes. "You have no idea how important you have always been to me and always will be. You have made me believe I could and can make a difference." You have loved me just the way I am. Those aren't the eyes of reality, those are the eyes of love.

They see me as I want to be and yet, for them, already am.

Now that my cancer has returned, I can see myself through their eyes. I like seeing me through the eyes of love.

You've Got a Friend . . . .

2009-09-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

An old proverb says that "one friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; and three are hardly possible."

Not true! The truth is that starting from when we were little children and continuing to this very moment good friends have had a way of coming in and out of our lives at every turn.

First came our childhood friends, than our high school and college friends, than our work friends, the friends that come through family associations, our community service to others, and than came the friends after that, and on it goes.

While it is true just one, two or three of these friends come to stay forever, while the rest have come and gone.

Each and every friendship, however brief brings a lasting and priceless gift if we only take the time to stop and look for it.

For me it has sometimes seemed like I am Time Square New York! I stand in one place as so many people pass in and out of my life. We spend special times together during the chaotic interim until it is time for them to board their bus or catch a taxi or hop a subway train. O! yes sometimes the farewells are sad but while we are standing at those crossroads what a time we've had!

Think of all the wonderful people in your own "Time Square" life and be happy for them, honor them. What a time you've had!

Don't wait for tomorrow to tell them how you feel. Let them know today . . . . You've got a friend.

LOVE IS BLIND

FRIENDSHIP IS CLAIRVOYANT.

She Who Loves A Garden . . . .

2009-09-07T00:09:00.000-07:00

SHE WHO LOVES A GARDEN LOVES THE WONDERS OF CREATION AND APPRECIATES THE JOY THAT FLOWERS BRING.

SHE WHO LOVES A GARDEN LIKES TO MAKE THE EARTH MORE LOVELY AND ENJOYS THE BEAUTY SHE'S CONTRIBUTING.

SHE WHO LOVES A GARDEN LEARNS THE LESSONS OF THE SEASONS AND HOW LIFE ITSELF ADHERES TO NATURE'S PLAN . . . .

THAT FROM EVERY WINTER SLEEP THERE COMES A WONDERFUL AWAKENING HOLDING PROMISE AS IT HAS SINCE TIME BEGAN

SHE WHO LOVES A GARDEN KNOWS IT'S ONLY HERS TO BORROW . . . .

THAT THE TENDER CARE SHE PUTS INTO THE SOIL . . . .

. . . . HELPS THE CHILDREN OF TOMORROW CARRY ON WHAT SHE HAS STARTED, GIVING STRENGTH AND LASTING VALUE TO HER TOIL.

SHE WHO LOVES A GARDEN LOVES THE JOYS OF SIMPLE LIVING AND THE PEACE ON WHICH NO MAN CAN PLACE A PRICE.

SHE WHO LOVES A GARDEN HAS A VERY SPECIAL TREASURE . . . .

FOR SHE HAS FOUND HER PRIVATE PARADISE.

words by Mary Engelbreit

Know That My Cancer Has Returned....

2009-08-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

I'm vulnerable... and I want to take advantage of that vulnerability. I want to keep on to keep on being the new me.
Maybe I'll slide back with time. Perhaps my footprints on the sands of time won't be so fresh, so nicely edged, but instead will show patterns of decay. Steps that show one step forward two steps back. Maybe I'll go back to shaking hands instead hugging. Maybe I'll go back to holding in the tears instead of letting them flow. Maybe I'll go back to being strong instead of open.
But I don't want to backslide. I don't want to wall myself off. But I know that it could happen. When my drug therapies are over and the cards and well wishes trickle down to almost nothing and I have finally pasted my five year test? What happens when I become the old "strong" me again?
Being strong isn't bad.... but it isn't everything either.

I like the new me, who weeps to see S&S (you know how you are) smile and share a few words with me about their Mom, Dad or brothers. Or Sarah C. showing me how well she can ride her bike. Or Tomas or Anthony telling me some small thing that has made their world a larger, brighter place. Just seeing a healthy child in motion is such a beautiful sight.

I like the me who talks to the plants in her garden to see how they are doing, letting them know how beautiful they are.

I like the me who is still learning the strange but wonderful language of my four cats.

I like the me who sings her prayers, and laughs at stillness, and hope all the time, without even knowing it, because it's so much a part of me.

I like the me who wakes up in the morning feeling joyful that there is so much to do instead of being encumbered because there is so much to do.

I like the me who welcomes pain as a friend because it reminds me that I'm alive.

I like the me who isn't bothered by the clutter and chaos of my desk but covers it over with sure knowledge of what is important and what is not.

I like the me who trusts the spirit more than the calender, date books and lists.

I've always had the cool silent, determined courage of strength. Now I have the warm flowing, wining courage of weakness as well.
So I pray, "Let me grow in health and illness, into the new me. Let me be worthy of the new me. Let me be thankful for the old me.... for the old me was a gift too.... but keep me vulnerable. Let every part of me move toward the whole me."

Now that my cancer has returned, I'm vulnerable, scared and glad.

Now That My Cancer Has Returned... ... ...

2009-08-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

... I don't count up how many pages are left in the books I'm reading. I don't count the minutes or seconds in my walks. I don't count the number of stitches as I do my needlework or count the number of beads in the birthday bracelets I love to make.

Love does not keep count. Love trust the spirit and listens to the body. Love stays in the moment. Love does not look back to keep score or count moments passed. Love doesn't count on degrees, statistics, records or personal best for justification. Love reads because it's good to read... Love walks because it is good to walk... Love does needlework because it is good to do needlework... Love is a beadier because beading is good. Love does not keep score.

There is something within each of us that wants to keep score, that wants the records to prove where we've been and to point the way we might want to go. Engineers have degrees... Soldiers and police have ranks... academics have levels of professorships, students have grades... organizations have goals... businesses have sales charts.

In its own way, Cancer is a record-keeping disease. There have been time when I have had to take my chemo-drugs away from the watchful eyes of my doctors and chemo nurses. I have had charts on which I recorded each chemo-drug dose. Those same nurses also wanted charts of diarrhea episode and blood workups. My oncologist has a protocol that tells him what to do with me. In the early days of my chemo, I was asked to keep a journal of all of my side effects... when they came, how severe they were and what happened.

As I settled in to my chemo routine I began to realize that my doctors and nurses weren't paying much attention to all the records I was keeping. They would ask to see them and than give the a quick glance before filing them. They would than put all their emphasis on me. I realized to them I was not just a history, or a bunch of statistics. Once they were satisfied that nothing unusual was going on (as if everything about cancer isn't already unusual). Those doctors and nurses trusted their instincts, they trusted me and they trusted the spirit. I have stopped keeping those records and have started to listen more closely to my body. It has become a much better guide.

I'm not saying that there is no place for history, records, statistics or scores. But if you live by the statistics you will die by those same statistics. When we live by the scoreboard we have no other way of knowing whether we are doing okay. I believe when we live by that scoreboard it indicates a life that must be justified and that our life is useless unless we can show the world our records of production.

One thing I have come to know as a cancer survivor and patient better than others is that you can not live life by statistics and that those same statistics are not always that reliable a guide. Not a reliable guide to the past or to the future. My spiritual changes are much more important than my personal statistical changes. Keeping the faith is more important than keeping score.

Some will we say, "What's the use of playing if you don't keep score... If you don't know who's ahead... if you don't know who won?".

If you can play, you're ahead. If you played, you won. If all you know is the score, Than you don't know the score.

Now That My Cancer Has Returned, I Don't Keep Score Anymore...

The New Car

2009-08-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

OK.... It has been over a month since Henry (my Honda) left my life for greener pastures. After 20 years (all most) and nearly 300,000 miles his passing was sad but timely. I have to say thanks to all my friends (you know who you are) who made the NEW CAR possible. I waited to unveil her (yes its a girl) Helga my new (07) silver Hyundai Elantra! She is young with only about 26000 miles. So as you can see she has been a few places and seen a few things. I'm hoping Helga and I will have a few more adventures together.

So with out further a due her she is...........

Now That My Cancer Has Returned....

2009-08-04T19:46:00.001-07:00

I'm Learning to be silly.....

I make up silly songs and jokes. I use my time in silly ways. Doing cat and dog puzzles, doing really easy sudoku when hard or monster are more my speed. When I get a Sudoku puzzle (easy) done in less than three minutes I act like I've won a gold medal. My imaging and visualizing and daydreaming are silly. I have become quite amazed by my world.
I was not always silly central. I was responsible. I was efficient. I was productive. I was deadly serious about life... my life.

What is the difference? Silliness is much more responsible, efficient and productive... that's the difference. Being too serious is silly. I could do serious imaging about heavy matters, about people I might dislike, injustices that make me angry, how the world is going to the dogs, if it hasn't already. I know how to do serious thinking about great problems for which I have no solutions.

I use to do serious visualizing. I would imagine what I would do or say if someone did something nasty to me. I visualised the breakdown of my car( with Henry these visions usually came true!). I anticipated getting caught in a traffic jam or in the slow line at the bank. I spent a lot of time being serious. I see now that this was really silly!

If were silly... than we are very serious about being healthy. I found that when I really started laughing at the funny sitcoms on TV (Seinfeld, Frasier...) I would began to feel better.... even well. I had some doctors and nurses... serious medical people who told me that I was just being silly. What was silly was them.

I will tell you that being a little or a lot silly keeps me from thinking depressing thoughts. The sort of images that lower the number of healthy agents in the body. Prayer is the same way. If I'm praying for myself, others or for the world, even if the prayer is doing nothing else, it's using up my mind and energy so I can't see images or think thoughts that are negative. Thoughts that will make me depressed or sick. Some people think prayer is silly.. if that is so... well than I'm silly and silliness and prayer are good for me.

Attitude makes a difference. Silliness is the best attitude. You get well on silly.

Life is given to us as a joy. Little children know this... there is no business like the silly business! They look at the world in wonder and than just start to laugh and swing a little higher.

I wanted to be childish when I first heard that my cancer had returned. I was scared, hurt and and could not think beyond myself. Getting well is moving from childishness to child likeness. In truth my task as an adult... as a cancer patient I am responsible to myself to become more childlike... more perfect like a child.

It would be so so so silly of me not to be silly. No one gets well with out a little silly. It's never too late to be happy... have joy... and some silly.

Now that my cancer has returned, I'm learning to be a little more silly....

My Thought For Today...

2009-07-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

When one door of happiness closes, another opens: But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

Now that I have Cancer......................

2009-07-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

...I cry a lot. I have never been much of a weeper. I often feel like letting go and just letting the tears flow. But that was not something I've ever done. I have always left that open, right out there in front of the world crying to my sister LuAnne and my Mom. Even in the darkness of the theater, when the hero disappears into the cold murky water of the Atlantic (yes Titanic) even than I tighten up my tear ducts and tell those tears to stay put.

When I was in my early twenties I can remember seeing "The Way We Where". I can still see Barbara Streisand standing in front of the Plaza Hotel handing out fliers to ban the bomb. From across the street you see Robert Redford... They see each other... In that moment I just wanted to cry loud sobbing tears right there in that theater. But no I kept my sorrow inside. Only now in these past several years have I been able to show my sorrow so openly.

I envy my sister her tears. She is a good crier! I know by the streams of tears on her cheeks that some scene or action or word has reached in and shaken her heart.

Now that I have had cancer and seen its return I have given myself permission to cry. Oh, I still prefer not to cry in public. I think that if I just started to openly cry in public it might scare or freak some people out. They might just think I have finally lost my marbles, or sat on a tack! I'm talking about permission to myself, permission to cry when I feel like it. Much of my weeping is because of chemotherapy hangover or just side effects of the other drugs I'm taking.

I am sure however that I now weep because everything is so beautiful. When I'm in the garden or have the cats out on their leashes playing I just cry.

Now when I cry I feel that everything in my life is in balance. That I am right with all the things in my life. So much is wondrous and beautiful. I can not even begin to tell about it. No words would be adequate. So I have to cry.

I know there are tears of sadness and bitterness and grief. I don't think that these tears are so very different from tears of beauty. We cry because of love..... its absence..... its presence. In this way tears are the surest sign of love.

We don't really have to know why another is crying in order to share the love, beauty, or sorrow. Tears unit us... they take us into the depth of beauty.

Now that I have cancer, I cry a lot ...... and when I cry I know everything is okay.

2009-07-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

Here is my UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE PLAN! They always make me feel better!

2009-07-21T21:22:00.001-07:00

This week I've received two very disturbing e-mails I put them here on the blog in hopes that you will join the fight to stop this downhill ride the President is trying to take us all on. It can only end in a mess that we may not recover from.
(Stephinie Lund)
ON THE "ABC..OBAMA SPECIAL ON HEALTH CARE"......OBAMA WAS ASKED: "MR. PRESIDENT WILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY GIVE UP YOUR CURRENT HEALTH CARE PROGRAM AND JOIN THE NEW "UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE PROGRAM" THAT THE REST OF US WILL BE ON ?OBAMA IGNORED THE QUESTION AND DIDN'T ANSWER IT!!!A NUMBER OF SENATORS WERE ASKED THE SAME QUESTION AND THEIR RESPONSE WAS ... WE WILL THINK ABOUT IT !!!!IT WAS ALSO ANNOUNCED TODAY ON THE NEWS THAT THE "KENNEDY HEALTH CARE BILL" HAS WRITTEN INTO IT THAT CONGRESS WILL BE (FROM THIS GREAT HEALTH CARE PLAN) EXEMPT !!!!!HOW ABOUT THOSE APPLES.....NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR OBAMA OR CONGRESS..... BUT "OK" FOR THE REST OF US?
(Martha Bybee)
Investors Business Daily uncovered the fact that the bill makes the sale of new private insurance policies illegal! That is how the President can get around his "promise" that "If you like your current insurance you can keep it." Well of course, since the fine print makes new private policies illegal. When you change a job or if you start a new business you can't get a new private policy. You will be forced into Government run health care. Inevitably, all private options will collapse.
There is also mandatory "end of life counseling" for Seniors, regardless of health conditions. The counseling is required every 5 years and includes such topics as choice of antibiotic and nutrition refusal.
I'm not comfortable with all this focus on cost either. Cost concerns inevitably lead to rationing of care. When are we too old or past our useful equality of life to keep alive? (Do we really want what our Canadian and British friends suffer through; endless waiting lists and premature death?)

2009-07-08T20:49:00.000-07:00

Longfellow said, "Into each life a little rain must fall," and what an inspired weatherman he was. It may be the only forecast guaranteed 100 percent accurate for everyone. The friend or acquaintance that you assume "have it all" is a fellow passenger on this ride we call life. They have their rainy days too.

Rain has a bad reputation. A symbol of misfortune, it is often associated with melancholy and suffering and misrepresented as a defect in the way life should be. But as any farmer can tell you: if there is no rain, there's no growth.

As I reflect on the experiences of my mortal education, I feel that I am walking through a rainstorm. Sometimes it is muddy and sometime clean and refreshing, but never quite picture perfect. Never, unless I decide to look at my life as though it were rain on a flower garden.

Foliage loves the rain even though the life giving shower often puts stress on the stems, leafs and flowers. Following the rain those blooms are washed clean and their colors are vivid and brilliant. Flowers raise their glistening heads on stronger stalks.

In life we experience both gentle showers and sudden and unpredictable cloudbursts. The attitude with which we embrace them and the beauty we find in their unpredictability and necessity will determine whether or not we have the courage to venture out in the rain again.

I am grateful God has loved me enough to send the rain and allow me to be able to walk in it, muddy and sticky or clean and refreshing. Each storm provides opportunities to grow and the joy of splashing in those lovely puddles.

Come dearest friends and walk and run in the rain with me. Let us laugh and cry together and if we are lucky get our feet just a little bit wet!

2009-06-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

A father is forever. No matter how old I get in my heart I will always be a daddy's girl. My dad will always be the one who filled my world with dreams of fantastic potential... he is the one who has captured my heart and all others (guys) have been measured by seance the day I realized I could not marry my dad. You have a spirit and a character all your own. You are a doer and a achiever of what you believe in. I'm so proud to be your daughter.
You are one of life's greatest gifts to me and I love you so very much.

2009-06-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

I've had a day! Here is how I spent half of it. Yes those are staples in my head! Go it in the top of the head by my hatch-back! I'm OK just a little embarrassed. But what a story I have to tell!

This I Believe

2009-06-08T01:42:00.000-07:00

Recently I was "pressured" into submitting a essay to the NPR program, "This I Believe". Wonder of wonders it was accepted and this pass week shared with the audience of the before named radio show. So I thought I would share it with those of you who are not NPR junkies.

"Beliefs are choices. No one has the rights over your personal beliefs. Your beliefs are in peril only when you don’t know what they are.
Understanding others beliefs comes from purposeful thought and enlightened discussions.
We live today in a world where most public dialogue is propelled by a dwindling number of multinational media corporations. By bypassing these overtly liberal gatekeepers we as a society can find common ground by communicating directly with one another.
Our beliefs rise from our common grass root heritage in a place where people listen to each other, one at a time.
I believe in listening. I hope that this one word could be a testament to me and my life. I listened to the beliefs of others.
Take a moment today and just consider the beliefs of others. These other beliefs may confirm your own or even challenge them. In listening there is also the possibility that your mind may be opened to something new and wonderful. When you are done listening, think about this… what do I believe?"

Because I Believe

2009-06-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

My thoughts today are many and varied. The words of a song say them more clearly.

"I hear the mighty thunder as it echoes through the sky

I watch the moon and stars shinning in the night

All of gods creations great and small

Testify that he is over all

His wondrous truth burns in my soul

And with all my heart I want him to know

I will walk the road less traveled

I will rise when others fall

And I will be a witness of his truth

I will answer when he calls me

With a life that is pure and clean

And I'll prepare to stand before him

Because I believe... I believe... I believe..."

I do believe.. I remember all the promises he has made to me. But most of all I remember all the promises I made to him. I will remain true to his as he has always remained true to me.

A Few Random Thoughts

2009-05-30T00:04:00.001-07:00

The garden is finally all planted...

All the summer clothes are washed and ready to wear...

O, yes... My Cancer has reared it ugly head again...

I'm doing well and have started a cycle of drugs that will knock this bug out again! Hopefully for the last time.

It is a journey that has only one destination... return to good health and renewed hope.

No journey is too long, no destination to far away if you are not alone on the trip. I am not now nor have I ever been alone... the Shepherd has always been my companion.

I'm Grateful For His Promises

2009-05-18T23:47:00.000-07:00

I could write about the things that go wrong in my everyday life. I could write about every time I fall. But today I choose to forget all of that.

I'm grateful for this day and for each breath I have to take.

I'm grateful and I'm thankful for this day!

When some days are not so great and nothing seems to go my way. It is at these times I remember the promise he made to me and I know that I have nothing to complain about. That it would be foolish to do that. I have been blessed with a promise.

And so when I'm low on energy and I forget what is important to me.

I stop and remember his words to me ... come follow me I will show you the way I will set you free.

And as another day comes and goes I know that I will be alright because he has shown me the way and set me free...

I'm grateful and I'm thankful for this day!

Mother: The Endless Gifts She Gives

2009-05-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

She is the star that lights our way when we can't see what's ahead. She is the strong winds beneath your dreams, lifting us up and carrying us on. Her prayers strong and deep, untying our cares when the threads get tangled. She is our hope in tough situations and has a faith built on God's infinite power. She is a harvest of moments, memories, and good times. She is the sunshine amongst the clouds and the smiles that turn anguish to joy. She is silent when words aren't needed. She watch with you as your cares drift away. She is as vast as all your tomorrows. Her love is lasting, giving, the signpost to a happy life...a happy heart... everyday... all the days of your life...

Mother, the word is a blessing spoken aloud.

I love you Mother for all you have been, for all you are and all you will be in my life.

2009-05-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

Cinderella proves that a new pair of shoes can change a girls life!

Have Some Fun

2009-04-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

Just a few thought... Let your hair down and kick your feet up, go all out for yourself today. Do something wild, something unusual and don't let anyone get in your way. Soak in the joy of life's splendor and grandeur. look in the mirror and give thanks for YOU! Do something different, get a little crazy and don't worry about a thing. Take the time to pamper yourself generously. Take time for YOU today and see all the joy it will bring YOU. Throw out your schedule, get rid of the rules and be as free as a bird in the sky. Dream big, see yourself getting there. Catch a ride on faith and fly high. Roll in the grass act like a child and let go of all your struggles. Pretend today is a holiday take time to play. Today is a great day to celebrate your life!

Rambo and his toys

2009-04-23T23:30:00.000-07:00

My two old boys who have been part of my life for the last 13 years just had a birthday. They got fresh "CATNIP" and their own can of wet food. it is hard to believe that all these years could have come and gone. They have made me laugh and cry. They have made me whisper and SCREAM! But through it all I love them. and in their cat way they love me. Rambo did something very funny today while I was gone to work. He some how (I think with Angus's help) got my sock drawer open and took every pair of my work socks out and made a pile on the bed! Now just in case you wonder how I know it was Rambo... he was laying on the pile of socks licking them. It also looked like he had spent a good part of the day keeping the other cats at bay! I'm glad to say that no other inappropriate behavior towards the socks were detected and after a quick run through the washer and dryer they are at this writing good as new. Rambo though has been giving me the "EYE". I'm sure he is thinking tomorrow is another day and I'll get you than my pretty!. It is wonderful that such small things can bring such great happiness.

NO MATTER WHAT THE STATISTICS SAY, THERE'S ALWAYS A WAY!

Just For Today

2009-04-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

Today as I wrote in my gratitude journal it was hard to think of much I was grateful for.

So I went out for a walk through the neighborhood behind where I live. What I saw was life in bloom everywhere I looked. God is in the fine print where ever we look. Nothing is as bad as it might seem at the time.

In my case a car in the shop that just dose not want to be fixed. I know it will be alright and that it is such a little thing. The car will be fine or it will not. But no matter what, I know that God is in all the details of my life.

So just for today I will be happy. I will live through this day and I will be able to tackle all my problems no matter how big or small... just for today I will be happy..

THE HUMAN SPIRIT IS STRONGER THAN

ANYTHING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO IT

2009-04-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

Older sisters are lible to nag. To refuse to lend you things. To scold. To make you walk too fast.
But on the other hand, they take on bully boys at school and send them running for their lives. they disentangle problems in arithmetic and knitting.
And when they're grown they listen to your secrets and anxieties. And never tell without your say-so.
An older sister is a friend, and a defender, a listener, conspirator, a counsellor and a sharer of delights. And sorrows too.

Thank you LuAnne for letting me be your big sister.

2009-04-04T22:44:00.000-07:00

Spring Advice from a lonely Daffodil

As we travel through this life there will always be those times when decisions just have to be made. When the choices we have to make are hard and the solutions seem scarce. When the rain seems to always be socking our parade. There are situations where all you can do is to simply let go and move on.

gather your courage together and choose a new direction that will lead you toward a new destination.

Pack up your troubles and step forward. these may be the hardest change you have to make. Like the lone daffodil in my garden there is excitement ahead for us if we stay true to our course.There is adventures unimaginable just around the bend in the road. Our wishes and dreams my well be coming true and in ways we can only imagine.

There are new friendships to find, new interest and challenges waiting for us to engage. Perhaps you will go places you only imagined before. Perhaps you will see things that you have never seen before.

Remember to stay centered, listen with interest to the stories of all you meet. There you will be able to find comfort and support for all you do.Have faith and believe that what ever the decision you have made is the RIGHT choice for you.

Just one foot in front of the other... one day of your life at a time...

Look ahead not back you are not going that way! And always take the scenic route.

2009-03-21T01:12:00.000-07:00

Some of my friends who are not practicing Mormons or not Mormon at all have asked me what I think of the latest episode of "Big Love".

It would seem that we live in a world (first amendment) that anything goes. What may be sacred to one may not be to another. And so this makes it open season on what is sacred or personal .

I have not seen this episode of Big Love. My friends who have, have diverse opinion's of the sacred ceremony depicted there.

One opinion that I have always held in highest regard is that of my dearest friend Jane.

She said she found it to be beautiful.

Others have just found one more thing to ridicule the LDS church about. The ceremony depicted in the show Big Love is held sacred.... I said sacred not secret to over 13 million practicing Mormons. It is they who have spoken and in their voices we here the pain of one who has seen the doors of their temples thrown open for the perseveres of hate to mock.

What I see is a writer for Big Love and the Oscar winner for the script of the movie Milk (same person) and others in Hollywood (Tom Hanks exes.producer BL) attempt to punish those who would exercises their right as American citizen to vote for Prop 8 in California.

Tom Hanks had no problem say that LDS people were Un-American or standing up for what they believe. But i think it is Un-American to try and silence any one voice. Even when that voice speaks for all that you might find wrong.

I do not feel it is my place to tell others what to say or feel about this attempt by others to force the leaders of this church to conform to outside beliefs.

The way one choose to worship God, or exercise their spirituality is their sacred right.

It is what sets us apart from those who chose to silence others by the use of force whether it be by the pen or the gun.

I am an American .... I hold myself to a higher standard of conduct. It is my duty to hold sacred that which is sacred to others whether I agree or is agree with it. It is also my privilege to stand up and say no if I disagree. In this country we are given the privilege to vote what we feel. It would seem to me that in the case of those people in California and else where who in this instance came out on the losing end of a vote they have chosen to be bad sports. To personally punish some for exercising that right we all hold sacred... to lift our voice and say yes or no... to vote our conscience.

There is aways another day in which we may once again raise our voices in agreement or disagreement. A day when we as Americans May raise our hand to the square to say yes or no.

It is never easy to rise from the dust of defeat. It is never easy to be the better person in the face of lose.

One way to do this is to remember who you are where you came from and where you are going.

When we choose to be our better-self we will always be the winner.

2009-03-09T01:47:00.000-07:00

It has been one week and the new glasses are here. If the opinions of those I call friend can be believed I look good in the new frames. Also contrary to the eye doctor and my sister I have found the adjustment to bifocals to be with out trauma. No fuzziness or light headiness.

Just a short update on my mom.... she is doing better everyday. She had her first appointment with her cardiologist. The news was good but not as good as we had all hoped for. She is never going to have the heart she had a month ago. We are just grateful that her health is returning and we have her with us now.

2009-03-01T20:33:00.000-08:00

OK everyone who has been bugging me to get this BLOG up and going here it is for better or worse! I'm not sure what to say or "blog" but here goes.

I broke my glasses yesterday and I only tell you this because at the doctor's appointment to replace the broken ones I discovered I will be joining the exclusive but ever growing group of "bi-foculers"!

No worries I'm hip to seeing it all and being able to read without having to take off one pair to put on another!